I guess it's me.
That is about the only thing I can think of to rationalize how someone you fell so deeply in love with could just forget about, well, everything. It started August 29, 2008 when he asked me out under a tree at a family friend's home. If I could just be a voice in the ear of myself back then I would of cast out a simple warning to myself. The warning would be," Be careful who you give your love to because you can't get it back". He was my first love, and in short, it completely blinded me. Let's call him Taker to keep his name private.
Taker was one of those guys who I looked at and he made me melt. I had never been attracted to anyone like I had been to Taker and once I got over his looks I feel in love with his heart. He would drop anything to help a stranger and when I was in the sunshine of his love I had never felt so thrilled and excited. His love was intoxicating to me to say the least. Those Twilight novels I read started to become more and more real to me as I start to almost feel like Bella with her romance to Edward Cullen. I had no control of the muscles in my face when I saw him. The hardest thing for me to accomplish those days was to try and not smile like a complete fool every time I saw those beautiful blue eyes.
As I write this I become more and more pained. Like a storm is welling inside of me and there is nothing to do but wait for it to settle down. He showed me every thing there was to know about love. Passion, Jealousy, Anger, Resentment, Foolishness, Happiness. Some of my most elated times and some of my most deeply anguishing feelings. I wanted to give him every thing, every piece and fiber of me very being. I was addicted to him and like an addict I forgot that my own world existed and I just lived in his. I stopped talking to my friends and family. I never left the house unless it was to go somewhere with him. I just always wanted to be with him, even if he didn't want to be with me. But like the great Robert Frost says," Nothing gold can stay".
The knock down drag your heart from your chest fights started early. Even when I was with him I began to feel alone. I tried for so long to keep a relationship running on empty that should of broke down miles ago. No matter what I wanted, how unhappy, what pieces of me I compromised as long as he loved me I was willing to change the very person I was. I compromised so much of myself to stay in a relationship with someone who didn't feel the need or the want to change themselves.
We broke up every few months but we could never manage to ever be apart for long. It caused me physical pain to know that I could be with him but I wasn't. Nothing mattered to me as long as I had his love. At first being apart solved our problems, but it was always temporary. When that stopped working I began to give in to anything he wanted of me, even without asking. The mind games that he felt the need to play just continued and continued until it began just chipping away at me. I knew he wasn't the one for me but I love him and I don't know how to stop. I still don't know how.
That will have to do for right now. I will continue on with Taker probably tomorrow.
Kayla Renee
